Rise

Well, this isn’t awkward. Nope. Not at all.

Howdy, folks. I know it’s been a while. A long, long while. A lot has happened since I last wrote. Some good, some bad, some in-between type things.

First, and foremost, I feel I need to apologize for effectively allowing this blog to go to pot since last October. There were a variety of reasons why that happened, not the least of which was my complete and total mental collapse. Good news, guys — I’m not dead!

Here’s the thing – I’ve got a ton of stuff on my mind and things to report, but I’m not going to bore you (and I do bore you) with a never ending post of babble and bull. I will focus on one thing in this entry with a little groundwork laid for future posts.

I have spent the last month, more or less, back in Pittsburgh visiting with friends and family. It has both been the greatest and more horrible thing I’ve ever done. Great because, obviously, I love my friends and family and generally just miss the “access” Pittsburgh provides to cultural events and dining and so forth. Certainly when compared to Fayetteville, Pittsburgh is the greatest city in the world. It has been awful, too, for mostly those same reasons. I now have to give those things up all over again, only this time, unlike in 2011, I have been actively cultivating friendships and close, personal bonds. In 2011 I had undergone a passive, borderline eugenics-like program, a culling, if you will, to make the leaving easier. Now? Total opposite. I’ve actually been growing and engendering the seeds into flowers.

That decision, of course, makes my return to NC…difficult. I am, I admit, conflicted. I do not want to return, but I know I have to. My end game, as it stands now, is to return to Pittsburgh as soon as possible. I fully admit, I am considering returning to PA at the end of the next school year even if I don’t have a job lined up simply because…well, that’s a whole different set of stories. Not saying it’s 100% a go, but it’s pretty much a coin flip now.

So, the main purpose of this posting. This isn’t just to show that I’m not dead, or, more appropriately, that the blog isn’t dead. I had considered just letting the name and everything lapse, but…it’s cheap enough to keep this bad boy running each year and sometimes I just need to write.

If you have not yet noticed, the tone of this writing has drastically improved since the last series of posts. That, my gentle snowflakes, is the purpose of this writing.

It has been a long, long, long times since I have felt like this. It’s been well over 10 years, possibly 15 years, that I have been able to hold my head up and look to the future with some degree of hope and promise.

I’m not saying this will last forever, certainly not without intense work, but I finally feel better about things. For the longest time I viewed my life and my world as the living embodiment of the great Rollo May quote on depression; “Depression is the inability to construct a future.” That had been me for a painfully long time. Every time I would look ahead, I could not, in any way, shape, or form, begin to piece together any discernible future. Not for me, not for others around me, etc. I was being perpetually hunted by the nagging thoughts how I simply did not belong among the people of this Earth.

But I have finally emerged. I finally am able to build a future, even a far-off future that is small in scope.

I have finally been able to set some goals for myself that I feel confident in and am approaching with a deadly seriousness. I have two goals set to begin immediately. The first goal, which is not at all unique, but I have had enough incentive otherwise in the last month, is to really, truly get serious about taking better care of myself. I’ve always put everyone else before me. I’m still going to care for others and do for others, but I’m going to make time for myself. That includes taking better care of my physical self. It has been a 20 year battle, but I have finally started to win the war with my own brain and thoughts. Now I need to win the battle with my fat ass.

I will fully admit there is a cosmetic level to this desire, but it is primarily from a health concern reason. I want to prevent things from happening and that is not the way I am trending at present.

Like I said, this is not a unique sentiment, but it is one that I am getting serious about in no small part because I am terrified of where things are going.

The second goal is to do what I have wanted to do for a long, long time – I am going to self-publish a book. It will be similar to the stuff I write here, but not the same (and way less hockey/sports talk). If you’ve read any of Sloane Crosley’s books, I am aiming for something along those lines – whimsical missives about life and the world’s idiosyncrasies.

There are other items that have allowed me to construct the future, but those will not be spoken of here, at least not now.

It is good to be back. Let’s make this a regular thing.

-Walt